Where have I been? Umm, well…

Not sure why the f I’ve waited so long to start writing about my travels again. Actually I do know. I’m scared. I write for myself everyday, mostly gibberish and nonsense, something just for me.

I love looking back. I get a kick out of myself, but putting my gibberish on display for people to actually see? Holy shit.

The fear is crippling and I’ve realized it does nothing for me. It doesn’t motivate me at all so like my therapist said I need to tell my body that I am okay. It’s okay to move forward and do scary things.

The last time I posted was in 2018. I went on a study abroad trip in the UK. It’s still one of my best trips and set the bar for a long time. Whether I was getting drunk at a whiskey tasting in Dublin or going to a strip club in London, I still made it a priority to post every night. Since then I’ve gotten a degree in journalism, quit my job, traveled quite a bit, went back to my hometown and returned to Austin wondering what the actual fuck am I doing?

It doesn’t matter.

I was a first generation college student and a non traditional one. I started when I was thirty. One of the many reasons I didn’t go to college earlier was because of the cost. Who was paying for that shit? Not me. I was also an adult with a full time job. Time and energy are precious. After a few semesters at Austin Community College I realized I could manage it, but the big dawg (University of Texas) was another story. Every semester I would return the generous financial aid refund for fear or owing it back. I didn’t want to owe more than I had to, plus I had a job and didn’t really need the extra money. What I didn’t pay in tuition I paid for in stamina.

After graduating I thought I would feel this incredible sense of relief both mentally and physically. Getting a degree from a major university was the best thing I’ve done for myself, but also the hardest. I had to work and I did, a lot. I also cared about my grades. Once I realized I could actually do well I wanted to keep that momentum but the drawback was looking like a corpse for four and a half years and being confined to academic jail. The study abroad trip got me credits but beyond that I barely left Austin. That sigh of relief I was waiting to feel after graduation I’m still waiting on and its been almost three years.

The burnout is real.

Almost a year after I graduated I decided to quit my job. I was exhausted and over it. Get somebody else to do it. I found a cheap flight to Lisbon, Portugal and didn’t hesitate to book it.

The only other time I’ve quit a job without having another one is when I quit my flight attendant job and drove to Austin in January 2013. I had like $2,500 in my bank account and felt rich. This time I had more money and even more nerve. Hustling was canceled, I needed to relax my nervous system to get ready for what was next. Whatever the f that was…

So now I’m going to try to post on here everyday and just see how I feel.

I love writing and especially about my trips because theres no possible way to describe them. When I return home from a trip and see my friends they’ll ask “How was your trip?” and I mutter nervously “It was good…”. How can I describe in a sentence or two that I was constipated but also had diarrhea, celibate, but also a slut?

Literally, everything happens.

So yeah, I am hopefully going to start this again and write even when I don’t want to. I know I’ll be happy later on.