Month: November 2015

Fudgement Day


The date was November 9th, 2015, it was around 8:30pm when it happened. I was at Wright Bros. Brew & Brew, a seemingly innocent Monday night when i knew i had to take some action soon because if not it would eventually happen whether i was prepared or not, it was inevitable, fuck, it was natural. My friend works there and i hadn’t seen her in awhile and although   it was good to catch up there was business to take care of. The mission that i originally set out on quickly turned to another, i couldn’t believe myself as i sat there squirming, sweating, nerves going awry, “Am i really going to shit myself here at Brew & Brew?” i thought. I haven’t poo’d in my pants since i was about 6 or 7 when there was a maintenance man at our apartment fixing the toilet and i just had to go ya know. This time around I’m 29 years old, arguably an adult who should be able to find the lavatory (such a ridiculous way to say bathroom) but this was all of a sudden you see i was in my therapy group right before and i had this intense urge to unbuckle my pants, i thought i was just bloated or had a minor stomach ache. As soon as i got in my car i took my belt completely off and headed to Brew & Brew but the belt wasn’t the only thing i needed to release.  The ‘OUT OF ORDER’ sign on the bathroom door came as no surprise, i had to go over and read it multiple times to believe it but there it was, my fate had been accepted. I was going to shit myself on my way home and then I’d have to smell the faint stench of my own poo everyday as i drove reminding myself that i shit myself that one shameful night. Tsk. Just when i thought it was Judgement Day (or Fudgement Day) i was given the Golden Ticket, err code to the bathroom down the hall. I unlocked the door and dashed down the hall like the grown was crumbling beneath me, i went down one hall and didn’t find it so i sprinted down another, heart throbbing, sweating profusely, sneakers screeching on the floor. I can picture it in slow motion just like in the action movies except instead of a car exploding…..well yeah. I was so happy to see it was a one person bathroom , I needed privacy and space for this venture. I was perspiring so much i had to take all my clothes and my glasses off. The first load, yes first,  was quite normal but the nausea didn’t subside, i knew better, i knew to just…..wait for it. Patience you guys, and it didn’t take long, i knew it was coming and i wanted to be ready. Like most highly anticipated things in life it was short (not so sweet though) but the feeling of relief was priceless. Those m/f’n Keebler Elves!!! man they did me in, i ate two cookies, TWO!! That’s nothing compared to what i can normally put away but it was two too many. I believe there are signs all around us telling us things, teaching us, practically screaming at us to notice and take heed and what I’ve learned from this is that you’re never too old to (almost) shit your pants and also to stick to Milano cookies from now on.



This post is trying for me, not because I’m lazy with severe chronic procrastination like usual but because it’s about someone who me and my Austin family held very close  to our hearts. Jordan worked with us at Homeslice Pizza for about a year and as soon as he started we thought he resembled Christian Bale in the movie Psycho, cue the serial killer jokes. I think that everyone kind of had some sort of crush on Jordan because not only was he  handsome he was really goofy and inviting. He would flirt with anyone who was near, bump and grind and body roll and tell you how beautiful you are countless number of times during a shift. He was always queuing songs on Spotify like ‘How Will I Know’ by Whitney, ‘Too Close’ from Next, ‘Losing You’ by Solange, even ‘Shoop’ from the “Waiting to Exhale” Soundtrack. His “eel” that he brought on the camping trip game we played at Thanksgiving last year…….. It was like ‘who is this boy from North Carolina and why is he so unusual? but we fucking love it’.  It was always a treat to be near him because he was always in a good mood, never an ounce of negativity which is rare. Anytime you worked with him and got cut near the same time Jordan would invite you over his house which was around the corner to hang out on the porch or to an impromptu performance by him and his roommate. Not only was Jordan good-looking and funny, he was a really talented musician, i personally think he was too modest about his talent and i really believed in him. Last Tuesday after i was waiting for the pumpkin i had just painted to dry i looked at my phone and noticed that my friend Lauren had called and texted me an hour before, i looked at the text first and it was a link to a funeral homes website in NC. As soon as it loaded i started  shaking, it was a picture of him and that sweet little generic paragraph they write in every obituary. It was so unbelievable to me and still is. I literally kept saying out loud ” i don’t believe it, i don’t believe it” over and over again in my room where i thought I’d be going to bed shortly after pumpkin painting.  I called a few of my other coworkers and friends that Jordan was close to and we met at one of the bars he used to go to. It was really fucking sad, that’s what i have to say about it in laymans. To lose someone who was so special and kind feels so wrong and i don’t like or accept negativity these days but that’s how i feel. The only solace i have is that Jordan was  already perfect, we all still have so much to learn. He always looked on the bright side and wasn’t afraid to follow his dreams. It used to annoy me whenever i heard people talking about someone who passed on say ‘ oh he was the nicest guy, always had a smile on his face’ but in this case ITS FUCKING TRUE!! Its too true actually and that’s the only way i can breathe easy about him not being with us physically anymore, he was already an angel. Its really hard to believe (here’s the part where i cry, damn you Amy for suggesting i write about this and also thank you) that he’ll never call me Nefertitties again or tell me that i look beautiful today, he’ll never swoon at me doing my shoulder dance and we’ll never sit on the swing on his front porch again talking about our bruised hearts and dreams for the future, it really sucks. I don’t fancy myself a lucky person but i hit the jackpot in meeting you, we are so fortunate at Homeslice to have you as a part of our family. This has made us all realize how much we really love each other and  to reach  out to each other as much as possible and obnoxiously express our love even more to anyone we care about. Jordan you’ve touched us all whether inappropriate or not is irrelevant and all the memories i have with you will make me smile until i die, you’ll be in my heart forever friend, i love you.