Fudgement Day


The date was November 9th, 2015, it was around 8:30pm when it happened. I was at Wright Bros. Brew & Brew, a seemingly innocent Monday night when i knew i had to take some action soon because if not it would eventually happen whether i was prepared or not, it was inevitable, fuck, it was natural. My friend works there and i hadn’t seen her in awhile and although   it was good to catch up there was business to take care of. The mission that i originally set out on quickly turned to another, i couldn’t believe myself as i sat there squirming, sweating, nerves going awry, “Am i really going to shit myself here at Brew & Brew?” i thought. I haven’t poo’d in my pants since i was about 6 or 7 when there was a maintenance man at our apartment fixing the toilet and i just had to go ya know. This time around I’m 29 years old, arguably an adult who should be able to find the lavatory (such a ridiculous way to say bathroom) but this was all of a sudden you see i was in my therapy group right before and i had this intense urge to unbuckle my pants, i thought i was just bloated or had a minor stomach ache. As soon as i got in my car i took my belt completely off and headed to Brew & Brew but the belt wasn’t the only thing i needed to release.  The ‘OUT OF ORDER’ sign on the bathroom door came as no surprise, i had to go over and read it multiple times to believe it but there it was, my fate had been accepted. I was going to shit myself on my way home and then I’d have to smell the faint stench of my own poo everyday as i drove reminding myself that i shit myself that one shameful night. Tsk. Just when i thought it was Judgement Day (or Fudgement Day) i was given the Golden Ticket, err code to the bathroom down the hall. I unlocked the door and dashed down the hall like the grown was crumbling beneath me, i went down one hall and didn’t find it so i sprinted down another, heart throbbing, sweating profusely, sneakers screeching on the floor. I can picture it in slow motion just like in the action movies except instead of a car exploding…..well yeah. I was so happy to see it was a one person bathroom , I needed privacy and space for this venture. I was perspiring so much i had to take all my clothes and my glasses off. The first load, yes first,  was quite normal but the nausea didn’t subside, i knew better, i knew to just…..wait for it. Patience you guys, and it didn’t take long, i knew it was coming and i wanted to be ready. Like most highly anticipated things in life it was short (not so sweet though) but the feeling of relief was priceless. Those m/f’n Keebler Elves!!! man they did me in, i ate two cookies, TWO!! That’s nothing compared to what i can normally put away but it was two too many. I believe there are signs all around us telling us things, teaching us, practically screaming at us to notice and take heed and what I’ve learned from this is that you’re never too old to (almost) shit your pants and also to stick to Milano cookies from now on.