funny

Guess Who’s Coming to get Ice Cream?

Watching the cursor blink, I’m SO good at that. Another thing I excel at is avoiding possible good things in my life for no good reason. Some real 90’s era sitcom shit happened to me this past week and taught me once again that the universe is amusingly in total control at all times. Matt, a frequent Soup Peddler customer, gave me his phone number recently, we chat and chuckle a lot when he comes in so I wasn’t surprised but still overly nervous to actually call him. After a month of procrastinating as well as role playing with my friends about what to say IF he actually answered the phone I called him last Monday, we talked for a few minutes and I suggested we go out for ice cream soon. Exhale, I called him, finally at 30 years old I can call a man, if you knew me you’d know that congratulations are most definitely in order. The next day I get a call from my friend Regina, I was surprised because she now lives in London but is in town for her moms funeral, we make plans to get together, once again I suggest ice cream. I guess I’m all about the soft serve these days idk, I’m like Mrs. Softee or something *shrugs*. Later that same day I get a text from a random number about going out for ice cream the next day, I assume it’s Regina because I just talked to her a few hours before and I knew I had limited time with her so we texted back and forth throughout the evening and made  plans to hang out Wednesday afternoon. I didn’t save Regina’s number because she was using her friends phone and I didn’t save Matt’s yet either…….So here comes Wednesday,  I text “Regina” asking for her address so I can go pick her up,  because clearly she doesn’t have a car, she’s been living in London riding the Tube, duhh! I look up the address and its conveniently right by me…..and the Soup Peddler, I was relieved because Regina is from South Austin so I assumed whatever family member or friend she is staying with would live around there too so I was definitely happy to not have to drive across town at 4:30 in the afternoon. I throw on an old t-shirt and coochie cutters and drive about 10 minutes, get to the house, ponder walking up to the door but instead just text “I’m here”. About a minute later someone comes to my car…..but it’s not who I’m expecting. It was not Regina, it was Matt who I was texting the whole time. I was sweating so much!! I started frantically looking through my phone wondering what the hell I said to this man, there is no telling with my sense of humor. After the extreme initial shock I just smirked at how funny and helpful life has the possibility of forcing us to do things. We had a good time, we talked and laughed and made plans to hang out this coming week. If I actually knew I was texting him I never would’ve agreed to hang out so casually, I would’ve put it off FOR NO GOOD REASON! I literally have to be tricked into dating. Sigh that’s some funny shit. Also I painted my toe nails blue today.

Fudgement Day

****READ WITH CAUTION***

The date was November 9th, 2015, it was around 8:30pm when it happened. I was at Wright Bros. Brew & Brew, a seemingly innocent Monday night when i knew i had to take some action soon because if not it would eventually happen whether i was prepared or not, it was inevitable, fuck, it was natural. My friend works there and i hadn’t seen her in awhile and although   it was good to catch up there was business to take care of. The mission that i originally set out on quickly turned to another, i couldn’t believe myself as i sat there squirming, sweating, nerves going awry, “Am i really going to shit myself here at Brew & Brew?” i thought. I haven’t poo’d in my pants since i was about 6 or 7 when there was a maintenance man at our apartment fixing the toilet and i just had to go ya know. This time around I’m 29 years old, arguably an adult who should be able to find the lavatory (such a ridiculous way to say bathroom) but this was all of a sudden you see i was in my therapy group right before and i had this intense urge to unbuckle my pants, i thought i was just bloated or had a minor stomach ache. As soon as i got in my car i took my belt completely off and headed to Brew & Brew but the belt wasn’t the only thing i needed to release.  The ‘OUT OF ORDER’ sign on the bathroom door came as no surprise, i had to go over and read it multiple times to believe it but there it was, my fate had been accepted. I was going to shit myself on my way home and then I’d have to smell the faint stench of my own poo everyday as i drove reminding myself that i shit myself that one shameful night. Tsk. Just when i thought it was Judgement Day (or Fudgement Day) i was given the Golden Ticket, err code to the bathroom down the hall. I unlocked the door and dashed down the hall like the grown was crumbling beneath me, i went down one hall and didn’t find it so i sprinted down another, heart throbbing, sweating profusely, sneakers screeching on the floor. I can picture it in slow motion just like in the action movies except instead of a car exploding…..well yeah. I was so happy to see it was a one person bathroom , I needed privacy and space for this venture. I was perspiring so much i had to take all my clothes and my glasses off. The first load, yes first,  was quite normal but the nausea didn’t subside, i knew better, i knew to just…..wait for it. Patience you guys, and it didn’t take long, i knew it was coming and i wanted to be ready. Like most highly anticipated things in life it was short (not so sweet though) but the feeling of relief was priceless. Those m/f’n Keebler Elves!!! man they did me in, i ate two cookies, TWO!! That’s nothing compared to what i can normally put away but it was two too many. I believe there are signs all around us telling us things, teaching us, practically screaming at us to notice and take heed and what I’ve learned from this is that you’re never too old to (almost) shit your pants and also to stick to Milano cookies from now on.

Girl meets town, universe, herself

“Who can turn  the world on with her smile, who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile”. Lately I’ve been throwing my proverbial beret in the air Mary Tyler Moore-style and just doing it, going for it, and checking it out. I’ve always fancied myself to be a ‘girl about town’ but when you don’t grow up in a bustling metropolis its hard to keep the excitement going. Moving to a city that lots of people move to I’m always meeting new people and the first few sentences are always verbatim “Where are you from?” “How long have you been in Austin?” and “What brought you here”. My answers “DE, 1 year, and I came to visit and i loved it”. Now you probably  don’t know what DE stands for, it means Delaware, the first state to sign the constitution, the home of V.P. Joe Biden, the land of tax-free shopping. It’s that tiny little speck in between PA,NJ, and MD on the east coast right on the Atlantic Ocean. Whenever i explain this to people it’s followed up with a blank stare, then a pause but then comes the inevitable moment, the moment i wish i could get paid for predicting, ……the “Wayne’s World” reference. I’ve never seen the movie, but i sure have seen and heard of this scene many many times.

There is absolutely no place like home and in a lot of ways that was it. There are so many awesome major cities near my hometown but  i needed something  totally new, unfamiliar, scary, bizarre and awesome.

Lone Star State of Mind

Lone Star State of Mind

Whatever circumstances happen in life that light a fire under your ass is the minute you are living in  a different realm in the same universe, a chance for you to see that you can do whatever you want and its the best, scariest, loneliest, unconventional, absurd, most beautiful thing. Please don’t ignore it, don’t be scared to get out there and do something by yourself, for yourself.Who knows whats going to happen and who cares? “Wild horses run unbridled or their spirit dies”.