individual

Fish in the water

Cliche? yes. Proverbial? duh. Relatable? always. Am i diving in or just getting my feet wet? Im not naturally an impulsive person so making rash decisions doesn’t only not sit well with me it also backfires, because well, i know better and the universe knows better and the universe knows i know better. Ive always heard the phrase “fish out of water” feeling out of place, lost, not knowing what to do, something i have always related to but what about a fish in the water? Just because you can drive doesn’t mean you’re never going to get lost, and just because a fish can swim doesn’t mean it cant sink. Even in your seemingly natural habitat you still may not have any sense of direction. Its a doozy and not a lot of humans like to talk about it because they all want to seem like they have their proverbial shit together but in reality they’re all full of proverbial shit. Tis the season, tis the season to get lost, and say “Wow i cant believe i said that, went there, ate that, did that (or him)” and just simply have an experience. I used to think that in order to do what i wanted to do i had to have all my proverbial ducks in line, i thought i needed a certain dollar amount of money, or i had to wait until this specific date but now i know that i can do anything. The most important thing i need with me when im fulfilling my daydreams is simply the will to do it.

Having boobs doesn’t hurt either.

Hey There Lonely Girl

“Passion makes way through possibilities”

Where am i going with this? Im trying to think of a great way to start this off but i have a silly slightly pretentious smirk on my face so lets just say I’m lonely and that’s not all i am but it has been a staple on my emotions for awhile now. For the past year and a half whenever i start a new journal i make a silent promise to myself that ‘this here journal will not be filled with the same sad confused stupid lonely girl emotions that took over the last one’ and you can take a wild guess how most of the pages were filled. In a way i don’t mind because i embrace how i feel. i like to think of myself as a positive but realistic person, there is always a bright side but if i stub my toe I’m going to yell ‘FUCK!’ and be annoyed, not forever but for a moment and ill embrace that fucking annoying moment as much as the happy ones. I am naturally a loner so solidarity is crucial and imperative to my soul but still i never knew how it felt to be alone until this past year and a half. I don’t remember ever trying to make friends, I’ve always king of just had them and then when i moved away its like the world literally pushed me out there and unlike naturally learning how to walk and talk as a child adults don’t remember ever learning that so how do you make real honest friends?

There are a lot of surprising things that come up when you are alone in a new place, you are forced to learn a lot about yourself and how you deal with stressful frustrating situations when you don’t have the support system that you had back home also you get to see who will really be there for you when you really need somebody, that’s been the hardest thing for me. Expectations, why do we have them? We know better but we are still humans and we are stupid. It sucks to think you can count on someone and when the going gets tough they disappear, its a part of life for everyone but it is so GD disappointing, still its great knowing the few or less than few people who are there, they can be a surprise too.

My mom was in the Army and shes been my #1 supporter because and she gets it, she understands being away from home and the torn indecisive feelings that go along with that and shes been writing me letters (shes old school like that) which has inspired me to write letters to people and it warms my heart so much to open my mailbox and see a personal letter from a friend, to this lonely girl it means a lot.

Moving away from home is like one of those things like having a kid or getting married, everyone only talks about the good part of it, they’re afraid to tell someone how hard it can/may be like they’re scared they might come across too human or something. I cant imagine not moving away, it literally rocked my world and now i know i can do anything but i’ll never sugarcoat it to anyone and tell them it was easy because its not. Its been hard and its better but its still hard, it wont always be but tis the season.

Corny quotes have played a big part in this season of my life, you know the “Never Give Up” quotes you’ve heard your whole life well when you truly madly deeply need motivation they are the truest combinations of words. Simple and true, enough said, literally.

I know that i wont always feel this way but i do now and its a very important, probably the most important time so far in my life because i am so alone and that’s the only way to truly know yourself, by spending time with yourself and its okay.

I feel more passionate about life and the possibilities than ever before and its built my character so much that if i knew me before i may not even recognize myself because i see things through a different lens now, something that may have never occurred if i hadn’t been so alone.

Going There, Doing That

Live if she wants to, and i don’t see why not. Here are some of the things i love and enjoy doing and have been fortunately doing a lot of! I’ve always loved to go out and dance, but i was beginning to think that my frequent dancing days were over, that was before i attended Tuesgayz at Barbarellas. Bumping, grinding, sweating, vogueing, prancing, living, dying is what occurs and i love it! Great music, random drag queens walking about and the occasional dance off between two gay men wearing high heels??!! I can’t think of much else id rather see.

i remember RuPaul being famous in the 90’s and being so impressed at how much she did look like a woman but that was it, RuPaul was the only drag queen i knew of besides Divine only because Hairspray is one of my favorite movies. It wasn’t until a couple of years ago my friend Natalie turned me on to RuPauls Drag Race which is now one of my favorite shows. Until then i thought drag queens pretty much looked like men dressed up as women and that was it but on Drag Race those queens put us biological women to shame! I gag every time they sashay down the runway, they are stunning and so creative and charismatic. My first drag show in Austin was about 5 months ago, there’s a thriving LGBT scene and lots of drag shows every week, just last Sunday one of the queens pulled me out on stage and danced with me! I am amazed, shocked, stunned, and left for dead every time i attend a show. They’ve also provided me with a whole new vocabulary!

Althea Trix, my favorite drag queen in Austin

Poo Poo Platter is a quirky local drag group that performs once a month together and they’re hilarious, disgusting and inappropriate, if that’s not a recipe for a good time please enlighten me on what is? Local queens also perform gigs throughout the week at local bars and one thing that i didn’t know was that the audience is heavily encouraged to tip them. Its like theatrical stripping in a way, except if their clothes come off its most likely because their garment wasn’t sewed properly or the rhinestones weren’t glued on tight enough. Lets hear it for the ladyboys!

Obsessed with drag queens? Bitch i might be

Corsets, feathers, and nerve, those are just a few things that describe a burlesque dancer. It’s what us shy girls do in the privacy of our bedroom that a burlesque dancer isn’t afraid to do in front of a live gazing audience. Charisma, Uniqueness, Nerve, and Talent don’t just describe the queens on RuPauls Drag Race it takes a lot of all of those things to perform the art of the tease. Its sexy, timeless, and engaging. It’s telling a story through dance by a woman who could be your next door neighbor, your teacher, or your mistress. Burlesque makes a girl feel sexy, brave, confident, bold, and in control, kind of like Mae West.

Come up and see me sometime

Avant Glam Cabaret

Avant Glam is one of many burlesque groups in Austin, they perform all the time and they are so incredibly talented and amazing. The dancing, costumes, and sketches make me want to run out and buy some feathers and tassles every time i see them perform!

Mee and Lilly LaFleur at the Christmas Cabaret

Me and Lilly LaFleur at the Christmas Cabaret

Okay so music, you can’t talk about living in Austin and not talk about music. I quickly realized that not only am i the only person without a bike i am also the only person without a band…or 3. Live music is everywhere and they’ll play it anywhere, i don’t think there is a place of business in this city that doesn’t have some sort of a stage for a band to perform. The first band i heard play were my coworkers MegaBig, and they’re called that for a reason. It’s not country, it’s not easy listening, its good ol fashion rock and roll. Check out their video, recognize anyone? hmmmmmm

Lastly (finally right! i always write so damn much) tonight although it was cold and rainy i went to Spiderhouse Ballroom because i heard theres a poetry slam every Tuesday night at 8. I sat in my room declaring that i wasn’t going to go because the weather outside was frightful and there was a$5 cover. BUT if there was ever a time i saw so happy i got off my lazy anus it was tonight, i seriously had the best time!! I even got to be one of the judges. Honestly i was nervous about that because i believe that art is in the eye and in this case ear of the beholder but it was still a unique experience being a judge and such an overwhelmingly inspiring experience being there witnessing the raw emotions of these brave individuals exposing themselves for everyone to see and hear, most of them weren’t even reading from anything, they knew every word off the top of their head.

I’ll never forget tonight and not just because of the true, raw, relatable spoken words i heard but because i am so happy that i went out anyway even though i was tired, even though it felt crappy outside, i still went out and had a good time and took advantage of the awesome city i live in. It makes me wonder why not? Why not have fun? Why not experience something new? I’m not happy wondering, id rather just do it.

Girl meets town, universe, herself

“Who can turn the world on with her smile, who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile”. Lately I’ve been throwing my proverbial beret in the air Mary Tyler Moore-style and just doing it, going for it, and checking it out. I’ve always fancied myself to be a ‘girl about town’ but when you don’t grow up in a bustling metropolis its hard to keep the excitement going. Moving to a city that lots of people move to I’m always meeting new people and the first few sentences are always verbatim “Where are you from?” “How long have you been in Austin?” and “What brought you here”. My answers “DE, 1 year, and I came to visit and i loved it”. Now you probably don’t know what DE stands for, it means Delaware, the first state to sign the constitution, the home of V.P. Joe Biden, the land of tax-free shopping. It’s that tiny little speck in between PA,NJ, and MD on the east coast right on the Atlantic Ocean. Whenever i explain this to people it’s followed up with a blank stare, then a pause but then comes the inevitable moment, the moment i wish i could get paid for predicting, ……the “Wayne’s World” reference. I’ve never seen the movie, but i sure have seen and heard of this scene many many times.

There is absolutely no place like home and in a lot of ways that was it. There are so many awesome major cities near my hometown but i needed something totally new, unfamiliar, scary, bizarre and awesome.

Lone Star State of Mind

Whatever circumstances happen in life that light a fire under your ass is the minute you are living in a different realm in the same universe, a chance for you to see that you can do whatever you want and its the best, scariest, loneliest, unconventional, absurd, most beautiful thing. Please don’t ignore it, don’t be scared to get out there and do something by yourself, for yourself.Who knows whats going to happen and who cares? “Wild horses run unbridled or their spirit dies”.

Why would anyone care about this?

I often think this whenever i think about my writing, in fact i always do because well…..why would you? Sure i get a kick out of myself but what about you? Why should i care? Such a good question, so i wont. Honestly ive been very discouraged lately mostly about my writing and my chronic procrastination that i didn’t even realize i was suffering from until recently! Imagine the horror! Here i thought i was a prompt responsible person turns out im a slug who doesn’t mind (at all) laying in bed on my days off NOT doing anything cathartic or productive sooooo (sigh) its time to change a little. My friend Patrice often tells me that i have wanderlust (noun 1. a strong desire to travel the world) and i always knew that but it has become evident lately. I moved to Austin, TX a year and 4 days ago and it is such an awesome place to be and a great 1st place to move but even with all its awesomeness i still find myself scratching like a crackhead wanting to travel so badly that it makes me legitimately sad that im not. Patrice and i met in training to be flight attendants almost 2 years ago (can’t believe its been that long!) Everyone there was so bright-eyed and bushy tailed thinking we were about to embark on an amazing fun glamorous ( a word often used to describe the airline industry by outsiders) career but most of us soon became very discouraged. We changed our lives, left our jobs, hometowns, families, pets, and significant others only to feel extremely tired (ready to keel over) hungry (starving) and broke (counting pennies). I was in the galley one day on my tour of Texas (that’s a regional airline for ya) and like a light bulb i realized that i hated it and i made a list of places i wanted to travel to before i quit and i did! I didn’t waste a day off after that.

Me and Patrice visiting Chicago!

In the middle of August we both had a few days off together and went to the windy city to explore what Chi-town had to offer!

deep dish pizza from Giordanos

As well as some girl time with our fellow flight attendants who were based there

The Bean at Millennium Park!

Next stop was Austin, i ended up here serendipitously because i was supposed to have 2 days off but because i worked in the airline industry and had no control over my life they took one of my days off away and then replaced it the next week giving me 3 days off in a row so i decided to visit the “Live Music Capital of the World”.

I just love these “Greetings from..” signs!

At the time i was wishing and hoping for a layover in Austin because i had seen a special about it on the Travel Channel and heard it was “The little bit of blue in a big red state” and so i knew it was my kind of place, very liberal and free. Now i think almost daily how thankful i am that i traveled here on my own time because i had a totally different experience, sure if i came i would loved it and i would’ve gotten a postcard and a magnet but couchsurfing here and meeting the ppl i met was one of those times that you know the universe is looking down on you and taking extra care of you.

At Flamingo Ranch making pottery the first day i came to visit Austin

A week later i honestly had no idea where i wanted to go #flightattendantproblems, got up one morning contemplating San Diego vs San Francisco. San Diego won because the hostels were cheaper so i put myself on the stand by list and headed to the airport.

Some Italian guys i met on the beach, a girl gets a lot of attention when shes traveling alone…….

The beautiful CA sunset, as soon as it started going down everyone on the beach stopped to take pictures and started to applaud when it finally set, great end to a beautiful day!

SD sunset

Dallas for the Texas State Fair!

Fried everything, sounds good to me!

I even tried out some new wheels in Dallas

Everything’s bigger in Texas, well not everything…..ive been in Austin for a year now and well…..thats another blog post…..

To this East-coaster CA and the whole west coast is pretty much the mecca of the US so next week i couldn’t help but venture to SF!

San Francisco treat!

This was one of those OMG moments, when i laid eyes on the Golden Gate Bridge i literally said out loud ‘there it is!” like i had found something i had been looking for and i guess maybe i had.

Why must i put my hand on my hip like that!? What would Tyra and Miss Jay say?

And because im the corniest person in America (see rice-a-roni picture) i had to take a picture of the Painted Ladies at Alamo Sq or as its mostly commonly known as the opening credits of Full House.

cant you just see Michelle in that light blue outfit and her family getting everything ready for the picnic on the hill?!!

SF turned out to be not only beautiful but also incredibly inspiring because of a beautiful person i met there and the experience we shared so this place will forever have me and my heart for the rest of this lifetime.

Boy meets girl, girl gets acquainted with universe, inspiration, and mass heartache

Next stop the Big Easy!

I ate a lot of good cajun esque food in NOLA including jambalaya and red, beans and rice….is it bad that i like Popeyes better? Where was a pic of me and a box of Zatarans?!

It was Halloween which is my favorite holiday and i had gotten this stupid dress that looked like aluminum foil years ago and decided to buy some accessories to be the tin man!

Met a member of the Lollipop Guild! Munchkin Land here i come!

I worked with a captain who asked me if i used my benefits on my days off “psshhhh do i use my benefits on my days off??!!” i thought and he suggested i go to Amsterdam. I didn’t even know IAH flew there directly so the next time i had 4 days off in a row i was abroad!

First sight after leaving the massive airport that i lollygagged in for awhile realizing i was traveling in a foreign country alone, anxious and excited….and tired it was 1:00 am central time but 8:00 Ams time, oh well carpe diem and all those other things!

Oh so many bikes! so many that there are parking garages just for them!

Like Sandra Dee i don’t usually drink, swear, or dare rat my hair (minus the swearing) but when in Rome…errr Amsterdam

at one of the “coffee shops” can you tell im not a smoker? i think i hide it well!

in December, my last full month working as a FA i headed south, even more south than TX. Baja California Sur, Cabo baby!

Got kind of sloppy the first night (and 2nd) but whats a girl to do……have a rendezvous!!

The natural beauty that i crave to see all the time

The Cabo Arch, am i the only one who thinks of Laguna Beach and when they went here on there spring break? oh i am, okay

The Cabo Arch, am i the only one who thinks of Laguna Beach and when they went here on their spring break? oh i am, okay

Arriba! or however you spell that, why didn’t i purchase this! Its kinda cute right and id rock it all the time, its haute!

senorita!

Cabo marked the end of the “flying for free” stage in my life and even though i wasn’t paying for plane tickets i was paying for it in my soul because i wasn’t happy. It was very odd, when i first started a passenger told me that working in the airline industry there were a lot of “ups and downs”* elbow nudge* corny airline joke and i died laughing because im corny but it couldn’t of been more true. On my days off i was literally flying high seeing things ive never seen and doing things ive never done but then when i was working ugh i was working and it wasn’t for me at all so for peace of mind i quit and after much thought i came to Austin because of the amazing experience i had here and they way it made me feel.

Now i know that being happy is thee most important thing and molding and changing yourself and your life so you can be the happiest you can be in order to feed your soul takes so much time it is crucial to your physical, emotional, and mental well being. Now that i feel mostly settled in Austin its time for feed my wanderlusting addiction!

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