lonely

MIND THE GAP

So, its been awhile and I am beyond embarrassed, its not that I haven’t had any inspiration to write, its me, as usual, getting in my own way like i always do. I’m  constantly making excuses why not to post, like I’ll be up all night, or that i wont be able to type because i spilled water on my keyboard, but its really because i am so nervous and self conscious that i become a coward and do nothing instead which is the worst thing you could ever do. So please mind the wide gap between my last post and this one, take a long stride to the other side with me. I recently just got back from a trip and even though its cliche there’s certain emotions that only traveling can evoke, feelings that are strictly exclusive to being somewhere unfamiliar, seeing something old but new to you, the unavoidable bizarre experiences, and of course the little things you learn about yourself when you dare to step out into this great big world. Shall we?

2 years ago my friend Patrice came to visit me in Austin for the weekend, when she came in my room she looked around and noticed my passport sitting on my bookshelf and said ” Your passport has dust on it”. I will never forget those words, i never want anyone to ever say that to me again so when my friend Regina invited me to London i knew this was my chance to give my passport a good polishing.

The only other place Ive been to in Europe is Amsterdam and that was only for a couple days so i knew this would be a totally different experience because Id have a lot more time and i actually know someone in London which is  so wild to me still. Something i didn’t expect was that traveling international as a passenger is so annoying, in previous years i had the luxury of being a crew member but it does feel nice to not be on stand by.

I was fascinated by London immediately because i love a big city and London is not just a big city, its a metropolis, a major hub for all types of people, people who drive on the other side of the car and street!

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Took me a few days to get used to looking left when crossing the street.

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Touristy time! Don’t you love it?! sigh, it wasn’t really a question.

Buckingham Palace

Buckingham Palace

i get calls from all over the world

i get calls from all over the world

West End girl

West End girl

London Eye

London Eye

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bobbies!

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the clock tower of all clock towers, besides the one from Back to the Future of course

tubular

tubular

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Portobello Road

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Tower Bridge which i always thought was London Bridge, either way they’re both standing upright

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i may or may not have walked across this street mimicking a popular photo some musicians took a few decades ago later realizing that i in fact walked in the opposite direction that the musicians walked in in their photo which would be totally embarrassing if i did it, so yeah London's cool!

i may or may not have walked across this street mimicking a popular photo some musicians took a few decades ago later realizing that i in fact walked in the opposite direction that the musicians walked in in their photo which would be totally embarrassing if i actually did it, so yeah…….. London’s cool!

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Sight seeing is nice but the real reason i was there was to celebrate my friend and her new bride. I couldn’t believe that i was in London in the first place, but going to a wedding reception on a boat on the River Thames? Wild.

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CHEERS!

Friendship is something special.

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DSC_0528                                                                                                                                                After spending almost a week in London having a great time and meeting so many awesome people i ventured off to Paris by myself. Although traveling alone is nothing new i felt surprisingly apprehensive, i was having such a good time in London i didn’t want to leave. As soon as the train stopped and i went outside it really hit me that i was in a foreign country, everything looks and feels different. I took a cab to my hotel which was in Montmare, unloaded and ventured out to roam. DSC_0769

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Paris isn’t too big, especially compared to London so i mostly walked everywhere i went, besides i was way too nervous to try to take the subway. I bought a map which was kind of helpful but the streets are so windy that it was really hard to follow, it also didn’t help that almost every time i took out my map it had to be obnoxiously upside down so I’d have to flip it around. I’ve never felt so American than i did when i was in France.

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I know its really cliche but I’ve been waiting to see the Eiffel Tower forever you guys and its been waiting to see me too. This structure is one of the few things that in my opinion has lived up to my expectations which are naturally pretty high when visiting a site that’s known to be iconic. This intricate piece of architecture definitely pleased this fastidious female.

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My second day in Paris was spent doing one of my absolute favorite things, roaming around looking at shit and taking pictures of it, preferably street art!

SPACE INVADER!!!!

SPACE INVADER!!!!

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Gregos Art! I didn’t even know he was based in Paris and then i come across this! A pleasant surprise.

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Something i didn’t expect to see was the Love Lock Bridge! I just read a few months earlier that they were taking the locks off because they were weighing the bridge down too much and although  a decent amount have been taken off its still very saturated with lovers locks, awwwwww.

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I felt extremely lonely in Paris, maybe its because i was having such a good time in London, maybe its because is such a romantic place and  i was alone, or maybe i just wasn’t feeling it. I got a really cold vibe  when i was there and I’m not talking about the weather. Paris  reminded me of a stunningly beautiful person that doesn’t have to be nice, it wouldn’t matter if they were or not or how smart they are or how talented because their looks are so striking its the only thing anyone is ever going to talk about. I absolutely loved the scenery, its right out of a fairy tale but as physically appeasing as it was i couldn’t wait to get back to London. Desperately trying to get out of France was never something i thought would be a problem in my life but it turned out to be when the Eurostar canceled all trains to London the day i was leaving  because of a strike. The train station was crazy to say the least, they told us to get a hotel and come back tomorrow and the only information they  gave us a piece of paper with a french phone number on it to call which was useless to me since my phone didn’t work in Paris at all. I was flabbergasted and beyond frustrated. I had no idea what to do, i didn’t want to spend money on a hotel another night and they said the train station was closing at 11:00, i didn’t think train stations closed at all. I bonded with this nice African couple and we ended up getting rooms in the same hotel across the street from the station, 2 of the last rooms in the city, no other hotels had any vacancies because of this nonsense. After we settled in our rooms we went back over to the station to try to get some answers, i didn’t want to go to sleep that night not having an assigned seat back to London the next day. I tried to be a nice normal person which i learned gets you nowhere, i now know that to get what you deserve and whats fair you pretty much have to be a gangster, at Gare Du Nord station in Paris at least, I’m sure it applies to everyday life as well (note to self). When the man i was with who was a lawyer by the way started talking to the manager about their terms and conditions all of a sudden they had tickets right then and there for the next day. Wow Eurostar, very shocking, now what about all the families with children and the elderly people who are SOL because of your incompetence. They were selling brand new tickets at the counter but wouldn’t exchange ours until the next day for some odd reason, so we were stranded in a foreign country, unable to use our phones and were told there wasn’t a public one in the building. Thank all the gods for the people i met, they really took care of me. I’ll never forget them and how much they helped me, a stranger, out. The travel industry can be very unpredictable and unforgiving  and traveling abroad can be a doozy, alone or not. Next time i need to make sure i have more flexibility in my schedule and a lot more euros just in case i ever get stuck in purgatory, i mean Paris again. I overheard someone say they couldn’t exchange their ticket until 3 days later!

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Au Revoir Paris! Cheers London!

Back in London i couldn’t wait to  drink some tea, take a walk, and enjoy my last couple of days in this awesome city. Where i was fortunate enough to stay was near Hackney Wick, but i also roamed around Shoreditch, Camden Town, and Nottinghill.

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So here’s where I’m supposed to sum my experience up and talk about what I’ve learned about myself right? Well i don’t know if its for a lifetime or a season but i have learned that even though i am naturally a loner i really want to start sharing more experiences with other people. I had fun in London riding the London Eye and seeing Westminster Abbey but my favorite memories were hanging out with the awesome people i was so fortunate to meet, i truly enjoyed just being with everyone. I wanted to do so much more initially but after being there a few days i realized that i don’t need to run around and drive myself crazy trying to do and see so much, i can have a great time drinking tea, eating biscuits and having a laugh with someone.

Cheers London!

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K.I.T.

Remember your very  first friend? Rose was mine, i met her when i was 4 years old in preschool. I didn’t see or think much of her after that but  10 years later we would end up going to the same high school only to maybe mumble a few words to each other, if that. That should’ve been an indication to something that i have recently learned, that keeping in touch is hard. Sure we were kids, little kids but still, even now as somewhat of an adult i am realizing just how difficult it is, not only having a genuine connection with someone but continuing to reach out and you know actually be friends. I never knew how hard it was to make new friends until i was an adult and moved away from my home town (here we go with the woe-is-me new girl to the city story, so annoying). I had lots of friends in high school and stayed close with most of them after, when you live near each other keeping in touch isn’t so hard. It wasn’t until i was in an unfamiliar place with new people did i realize how many people don’t keep in touch that you thought would and how hard and frustrating it is to try and make friends with adults. Its so easy when you’re young, a few common interests and you’re besties, as an adult not only are you jaded, you’re fucking busy! Where was i going with this? Oh yeah talk to your friends! Reach out to people! It indicates that you genuinely care, like you actually have a heart or something, its nice. One of my favorite ways of communication is  writing letters. My mom used to be in the army and when i was growing up she would always write letters to her army friends, that’s how they communicated with their families when they were away and that’s how they all kept in touch after they were out of the military. When i moved away from home my mom would always write me letters and i didn’t respond at first because i still talked to her on the phone almost everyday and i thought the idea of having a ‘pen pal’ was kind of corny, didn’t we do that in 3rd grade? BUT i asked a long time friend from my hometown who had moved to Seattle to exchange addresses and i finally realized how much i really enjoy writing (shocking) letters! Its honestly therapeutic, you get to say whatever you want with no interruptions and you get to buy pretty stationary! (I am my mothers daughter.) I was thinking about my Seattlelite friend and it blew my mind when i realized that i hadn’t seen her face in over 2 years, it didn’t seem like that much time had passed because we actually reach out to each other. I even went to visit her a few weeks ago and got to actually see where Ive been mailing all these letters to!  Distance is a motherfucker, but it doesn’t have to be. If writing long letters isn’t your thing you could mail them a funny postcard, text them that inside joke you guys used to die laughing at many moons ago, or call them! Letting someone know you are on their mind and that you genuinely care about how they are doing means so much. I know that everyone is busy but i firmly believe that you’re never too busy for something that’s important to you, remember that the next time you sign someones yearbook.

Hey There Lonely Girl

“Passion makes way through possibilities”

Where am i going with this?  Im trying to think of a great way to start this off but i have a silly slightly pretentious smirk on my face so lets just say I’m lonely and that’s not all i am but it has been a staple on my emotions for awhile now. For the past year and a half whenever i start a new journal i make a silent promise to myself that ‘this here journal will not be filled with the same sad confused stupid lonely girl emotions that took over the last one’ and you can take a wild guess how most of the pages were filled. In a way i don’t mind because i embrace how i feel. i like to think of myself as a positive but realistic person, there is always a bright side but if i stub my toe I’m going to yell ‘FUCK!’ and be annoyed, not forever but for a moment and ill embrace that fucking annoying moment as much as the happy ones. I am naturally a loner so solidarity  is crucial and imperative to my soul but still i never knew how it felt to be alone until this past year and a half. I don’t remember ever trying to make friends, I’ve always king of just had them and then when i moved away its like the world literally pushed me out there and unlike naturally learning how to walk and talk as a child adults don’t remember ever learning that so how do you make real honest friends?

There are a lot of surprising things that come up when you are alone in a new place, you are forced to learn a lot about yourself and how you deal with stressful frustrating situations when you don’t have the support system that you had back home also you get to see who will really be there for you when you really need somebody, that’s been the hardest thing for me. Expectations, why do we have them? We know better but we are still humans and we are stupid. It sucks to think you can count on someone and when the going gets tough they disappear, its a part of life for everyone but it is so GD disappointing, still its great knowing the few or less than few people who are there, they can be a surprise too.

My mom was in the Army and shes been my #1 supporter because and she gets it, she understands being away from home and the torn indecisive feelings that go along with that and shes been writing me letters (shes old school like that) which has inspired me to write letters to people and it warms my heart so much to open my mailbox and see a personal letter from a friend, to this lonely girl it means a lot.

Moving away from home is like  one of those things like having  a kid or getting married, everyone only talks about the good part of it,  they’re afraid to tell someone how hard it can/may be like they’re scared they might come across too human or something. I cant imagine not moving away, it literally rocked my world and now i know i can do anything but i’ll never sugarcoat it to anyone and tell them it was easy because its not. Its been hard and its better but its still hard, it wont always be but tis the season.

Corny quotes have played a big part in this season of my life, you know the “Never Give Up” quotes you’ve heard your whole life  well when you truly madly deeply need motivation they are the truest combinations of words. Simple and true, enough said, literally.

I know that i wont always feel this way but i do now and its a very important, probably the most important time so far in my life because i am so alone and that’s the only way to truly know yourself, by spending time with yourself and its okay.

I feel more passionate about life and the possibilities than ever before and its built my character so much that if i knew me before i may not even recognize myself because i see things through a different lens now, something that may have never occurred if i hadn’t been so alone.

 

Girl meets town, universe, herself

“Who can turn  the world on with her smile, who can take a nothing day and suddenly make it all seem worthwhile”. Lately I’ve been throwing my proverbial beret in the air Mary Tyler Moore-style and just doing it, going for it, and checking it out. I’ve always fancied myself to be a ‘girl about town’ but when you don’t grow up in a bustling metropolis its hard to keep the excitement going. Moving to a city that lots of people move to I’m always meeting new people and the first few sentences are always verbatim “Where are you from?” “How long have you been in Austin?” and “What brought you here”. My answers “DE, 1 year, and I came to visit and i loved it”. Now you probably  don’t know what DE stands for, it means Delaware, the first state to sign the constitution, the home of V.P. Joe Biden, the land of tax-free shopping. It’s that tiny little speck in between PA,NJ, and MD on the east coast right on the Atlantic Ocean. Whenever i explain this to people it’s followed up with a blank stare, then a pause but then comes the inevitable moment, the moment i wish i could get paid for predicting, ……the “Wayne’s World” reference. I’ve never seen the movie, but i sure have seen and heard of this scene many many times.

There is absolutely no place like home and in a lot of ways that was it. There are so many awesome major cities near my hometown but  i needed something  totally new, unfamiliar, scary, bizarre and awesome.

Lone Star State of Mind

Lone Star State of Mind

Whatever circumstances happen in life that light a fire under your ass is the minute you are living in  a different realm in the same universe, a chance for you to see that you can do whatever you want and its the best, scariest, loneliest, unconventional, absurd, most beautiful thing. Please don’t ignore it, don’t be scared to get out there and do something by yourself, for yourself.Who knows whats going to happen and who cares? “Wild horses run unbridled or their spirit dies”.

Why would anyone care about this?

I often think this whenever i think about my writing, in fact i always do because well…..why would you? Sure i get a kick out of myself  but what about you? Why should i care? Such a good question, so i wont. Honestly ive been very discouraged lately mostly about my writing and my chronic procrastination that i didn’t even realize i was suffering from until recently! Imagine the horror! Here i thought i was a prompt responsible person turns out im a slug who doesn’t mind (at all) laying in bed on my days off NOT doing anything cathartic or productive sooooo (sigh) its time to change a little. My friend Patrice often tells me that i have wanderlust (noun 1. a strong desire to travel the world) and i always knew that but it has become evident lately. I moved to Austin, TX a year and 4 days ago and it is such an awesome place to be and a great 1st place to move  but even with all its awesomeness i still find myself scratching like a crackhead wanting to travel so badly that it makes me legitimately sad that im not. Patrice and i met in training to be flight attendants almost 2 years ago (can’t believe its been that long!) Everyone there was so bright-eyed and bushy tailed thinking we were about to embark  on an amazing fun glamorous ( a word often used to describe the airline industry by outsiders) career but most of us soon became very discouraged. We changed our lives, left our jobs, hometowns, families, pets, and significant others only to feel extremely tired (ready to keel over) hungry (starving) and broke (counting pennies). I was in the galley one day on my tour of Texas (that’s a regional airline for ya)  and like a light bulb i realized that i hated it and i made a list of places i wanted to travel to before i quit and i did! I didn’t waste a day off after that.

Me and Patrice visiting Chicago!

Me and Patrice visiting Chicago!

In the middle of August we both had a few days off together and went to the windy city to explore what Chi-town had to offer!

which included some deep dish pizza from Giordanos

deep dish pizza from Giordanos

As well as some girl time with our fellow flight attendants who were based there

The Bean at Millenium Park!

The Bean at Millennium Park!

Next stop was Austin, i ended up here serendipitously because i was supposed to have 2 days off but because i worked in the airline industry and had no control over my life they took one of my days off away and then replaced it the next week giving me 3 days off in a row so i decided to visit the “Live Music Capital of the World”.

I just love these "Greetings from.." signs!

I just love these “Greetings from..” signs!

At the time i was wishing and hoping for a layover in Austin because i had seen a special about it on the Travel Channel and heard it was “The little bit of blue in a big red state” and so  i knew it was my kind of place, very liberal and free. Now i think almost daily how thankful i am that i traveled here on my own time because i had a totally different experience, sure if i came i would loved it and i would’ve gotten a postcard and a magnet but couchsurfing here and meeting the ppl i met was one of those times that you know the universe is looking down on you and taking extra care of you.

At Flamingo Ranch making pottery the first day i came to visit Austin

At Flamingo Ranch making pottery the first day i came to visit Austin

A week later i honestly had no idea where i wanted to go #flightattendantproblems, got up one morning contemplating San Diego vs San Francisco. San Diego won because the hostels were cheaper so i put myself on the stand by list and headed to the airport.

Some italian guys i met on the beach, a girl gets a lot of attention when shes traveling alone.......

Some Italian guys i met on the beach, a girl gets a lot of attention when shes traveling alone…….

The beautiful CA sunset, as soon as it started going down everyone on the beach stopped to take pictures and started to applaud when it finally set, great end to a beautiful day!

SD sunset

SD sunset

Dallas for the Texas State Fair!

Fried everything, sounds good to me!

Fried everything, sounds good to me!

I even tried out some new wheels in Dallas

Everything's bigger in Texas

Everything’s bigger in Texas, well not everything…..ive been in Austin for a year now and well…..thats another blog post…..

To this East-coaster CA  and the whole west coast is pretty much the mecca of the US so next week i couldn’t help but venture to SF!

San Francisco treat!

San Francisco treat!

This was one of those OMG moments, when i laid eyes on the Golden Gate Bridge i literally said out loud ‘there it is!” like i had found something i had been looking for and i guess maybe i had.

Why must i put my hand on my hip like that!? What would Tyra and Miss Jay say?

Why must i put my hand on my hip like that!? What would Tyra and Miss Jay say?

And because im the corniest person in America (see rice-a-roni picture) i  had to take a picture of the Painted Ladies at Alamo Sq or as its mostly commonly known as the opening credits of Full House.

cant you just see Michelle in that light blue outfit and her family getting everything ready for the picnic on the hill?!!

cant you just see Michelle in that light blue outfit and her family getting everything ready for the picnic on the hill?!!

SF turned out to be not only beautiful but also incredibly inspiring because of a beautiful person i met there and the experience we shared so this place will forever have me and my heart for the rest of this lifetime.

Boy meets girl, girl gets acquainted with universe, inspiration, and mass heartache

Boy meets girl, girl gets acquainted with universe, inspiration, and mass heartache

Next stop the Big Easy!

I ate a lot of good cajun esque food in NOLA including jambalaya and red, beans and rice....is it bad that i like Popeyes better? Where was a pic of me and a box of Zatarans?!

I ate a lot of good cajun esque food in NOLA including jambalaya and red, beans and rice….is it bad that i like Popeyes better? Where was a pic of me and a box of Zatarans?!

It was Halloween which is my favorite holiday and i had gotten this stupid dress that looked like aluminum  foil years ago and decided to buy some accessories to be the tin man!

Met a member of the Lollipop Guild! Munchkin Land here i come!

Met a member of the Lollipop Guild! Munchkin Land here i come!

I worked with a captain who asked me if i used my benefits on my days off “psshhhh do i use my benefits on my days off??!!” i thought and he suggested i go to Amsterdam. I didn’t even know IAH flew there directly so the next time i had 4 days off in a row i was abroad!

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First sight after leaving the massive airport that i lollygagged in for awhile realizing i was traveling in a foreign country alone, anxious and excited….and tired it was 1:00 am central time but 8:00 Ams time, oh well carpe diem and all those other things!

Oh so many bikes! so many that there are parking garages just for them!

Oh so many bikes! so many that there are parking garages just for them!

Like Sandra Dee i don’t usually drink, swear, or dare rat my hair (minus the swearing) but when in Rome…errr Amsterdam

at one of the "coffee shops" can you tell im not a smoker? i think i hide it well!

at one of the “coffee shops” can you tell im not a smoker? i think i hide it well!

in December, my last full month working as a FA i headed south, even more south than TX. Baja California Sur, Cabo baby!

Got kind of sloppy the first night (and 2nd) but whats a girl to do......have a rendezvous!!

Got kind of sloppy the first night (and 2nd) but whats a girl to do……have a rendezvous!!

The natural beauty that i crave to see all the time

The Cabo Arch, am i the only one who thinks of Laguna Beach and when they went here on there spring break? oh i am, okay

The Cabo Arch, am i the only one who thinks of Laguna Beach and when they went here on their spring break? oh i am, okay

Arriba! or however you spell that, why didn’t i purchase this! Its kinda cute right and id rock it all the time, its haute!

seniorita!

senorita!

Cabo marked the end of the “flying for free” stage in my life and even though i wasn’t paying for plane tickets i was paying for it in my soul because i wasn’t happy. It was very odd, when i first started a passenger told me that working in the airline industry there were a lot of “ups and downs”* elbow nudge* corny airline joke and i died laughing because im corny but it couldn’t of been more true. On my days off i was literally flying high seeing things ive never seen and doing things ive never done but then when i was working ugh i was working and it wasn’t for me at all so for peace of mind i quit and after much thought i came to Austin because of the amazing experience i had here and they way it made me feel.

deee!!!!!!! not a real word, just one of  the sounds i make when im excited! you should hear me when im really exhilerated, my sighs are also imitated

Now i know that being happy is thee most important thing and molding and changing yourself and your life so you can be the happiest you can be in order to feed your soul takes so much time it is crucial to your physical, emotional, and mental well being. Now that i feel mostly settled in Austin its time for feed my wanderlusting addiction!